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5 Tips To Avoid Getting Beaten Up By Your Uber Driver

Famous e-hailing service, Uber, along with its foreign-based competitors like Taxify and Lyft, and its Nigerian-based competitors like Oga Taxi, Jekalo, and Go My Way, have revolutionized the Lagos “taxi for hire” landscape. They have also come with their problems, one of which is male drivers beating up their female passengers.

Two incidences have been reported so far. One about an unnamed lady who was almost beaten up by her Uber driver after she refused to convert the trip to “off book”. The driver reportedly attempted punching her and smashed her phone before she was rescued by concerned passersby.

There was also the case of Afolaranmi Motosinoluwa who was assaulted by her Uber driver after she commented about his not-so-satisfactory driving. The driver reportedly called her father an animal before parking his car in the middle of the road where he beat her up and demanded for his fare.

Uber and Taxify never commented on either incidents, which leaves their veracity questioned. However, to prevent similar incidences, we’ve compiled five handy rules for you to observe on your Uber trips.

  1. Use Appropriate Salutation

Appropriate salutation is one of the defining characteristics of Nigeria and Nigerians. A superior or supposed superior should be addressed with “sir”, (which is the Nigerian equivalent of respect) and the word “please” should be used at every opportunity.

So important is respect that the Gongo Aso crooner, 9ice, has refused to remarry since he is yet to find the perfect woman who would kneel to him while serving his food. While 9ice continues with his self-imposed Ultimate Search, we advise all Uber passengers to learn the appropriate use of “sir” and “please”, which should even be used together for improved effect.

Like this:

Please sir, can we move now?

Please sir, can I make a call?

Please sir, can I fart?

Hint: Do not fart even if the driver says you can.

Meanwhile, we learned 9ice is currently taking marriage applications from prospective ladies. All you need to do is take a front and side picture of you kneeling, post it on Instagram and add a mention. And don’t forget to add the hashtag #Kneel49ice

  1. Never Criticize The Car

Electric and gasoline powered vehicles went head to head at the turn of the twentieth century, when each tried to outdo the other. This continued until some creative marketers decided to market the electric cars, which were noiseless and easier to start, to women and the petrol powered cars, which made a hell of noise and had to be started with hand cranks (considered no easy job for a woman), towards men.

The only drawback of electric cars was their limited range, which was not even a drawback since they assumed women only needed cars to shop at the market. Men on the other hand, needed to travel for business, which made the unlimited range of petrol powered cars the perfect fit.

Petrol powered vehicles later won the war, thanks to the super cheap price of petrol, but in one of the most questionable marketing moves ever, car marketers (the same ones who said women could not drive petrol powered cars) quickly suggested that women also needed to drive petrol powered cars since they still needed to visit the market.

And ow! They also said women needed to take their children out with their car, so they could keep the family bond alive while the husband was away with his car.

Why all this?

Well! As it later turned out, after World War II, car marketers, in order to sell cars to women who were now abandoning their traditional homemaking role for the office, marketed cars to women as tools to complement their looks.

Men were not left out too as cars were marketed to them as as an extension of their… ahem… “tools”. So, the theory went that men with smaller tools needed to buy bigger, sleeker or faster cars to compensate for their small size.

This started the myth that men with the finest or latest cars have smaller tools.

Does this mean your Uber driver with the 2016 Camry has a small tool? We don’t know and neither do you. But he knows, and might also be aware of the small tool-fine car rule. So, we’ll advise you to use adjectives, most especially those that have to do with size, sparingly.

So, you think the backseat is not long enough?

Or the headrest is not wide enough?

Or the leg space is too short?

Keep your opinion to yourself as any criticism of the car might be taken personal. For all we know, that car might be one giant dildo.

  1. Recognize That The Driver Is Always Right

The customer is always right mentality is one we are still dealing with here in Nigeria. And the customer is always ready to ring it into the seller’s ears at every opportunity, most especially when he is wrong. In fact, customers always recant that phrase whenever they are wrong.

But with Uber, the driver is always right.

You see, an Uber driver is not a taxi driver. He is not broke either, and is only out driving to while away the time. The money means nothing to him since he obviously makes way more than that at Chevron where he works. Or how else do you think he could afford the 2016 dildo Camry he uses as a part-time taxi?

The rule of the thumb is: the more recent his car is, the righter he is.

So, do not speak to him rudely and make appropriate use of “sir” and “please”. Playing music, chewing gums loudly and chattering incessantly are also forbidden. When he makes a request, comply and whenever he asks a question, answer promptly.

  1. The Driver Is Not Your Lover

Your Uber driver is not your lover, so dump all attention-seeking attitudes you exhibit to your boyfriend or girlfriend before hopping in for your ride. In case you mistakenly take it on your ride, throw it out the window, keep it in your pocket or for the females, in your handbag.

Do not attempt dumping it in the car.

This means don’t waste your driver’s time and don’t roll your eyes when he speaks. Insults are  forbidden and bedroom voice is a big no-no. Also, never threaten to give him a one star rating at the end of the journey as such threat would only ensure you get a one star rating yourself coupled with a good beating to justify his one star rating.

Ladies, at this point, we should know that the use of “whatever” at the end of an argument is strictly prohibited.

5 Lastly, do not touch the car radio without permission. We cannot emphasize this enough.


Featured image via Techsuplex

Bakare Moshood

Bakare Moshood is a freelance writer and computer programmer. Asides Everyday Lagos, he has also been featured on Naij and The Punch newspapers.

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